Saturday, July 18, 2009

Loving and Losing Dallas...

Today is my first day without my sweet dog Dallas. He hasn't always been in my life, of course, but since I adopted him over twelve years ago, he's been a constant and reliable presence. I've had good moments and bad in the last twenty four hours. Moments where I am weeping for what I have lost, but also smiling and laughing when I think of those times I never want to forget.

I have had several dogs, all precious to me, but Dal is one of two that stand out as truly great, great dogs that I have been lucky enough to call my own. But today, this post is all about him... and me, and how blessed I have been to have known and loved him...

For the past few months, his mobility has declined. Nonetheless, he graciously allowed me to help him move about -- something the independent and healthy Dallas would have struggled with. We all have life's lessons to learn and I know that this was his. His lesson is also mine, for as much as I am always there for others as a shoulder to lean on, I am this strong, stalwart rock of a person who struggles with allowing others help when I truly need them the most.

Anyhow, over the past few months, medication has helped Dallas to a degree, but it became apparent this week that he no longer could get up on his own. A decision had to be made...not easy, as anyone who has been there knows.

A phone call was made last Monday, but the appointment was set for today, actually. I needed time to work through it, and I also sensed that perhaps he would try to pass on his own. He did try...a few times, I thought he was at that point. He just couldn't quite seem to get there, and he was struggling with pain. So, on Wednesday, I called the vet's office and moved the date to Friday.

Then, not wanting Dallas to see me cry, I went outside and saw Dave (who is doing some work on my house at the moment) and told him the news. Although I haven't known him too long, he has watched my morning routine with Dallas as he has arrived for work over the past month: I would slide Dallas outside on his dog bed, help him up to relieve himself, then gently help him back down to the bed. Then, (since he could no longer enjoy a walk) he would have fun watching the kittens as I sipped my morning coffee.

Dave said, in such a kind way, that Dallas had been hanging on for me. Until then, I wasn't quite ready to let him go. Once I made the decision, it was as if he knew, and he began to go downhill. I knew in my heart of hearts that Dave was right.

To tell the rest of this story, I need to digress a bit and recount when Dallas first came to live with me. My yellow lab, Muldoone (the other dog I mentioned earlier), had died a few months before. Eventually, I found Dallas and was certain he was going to be my next dog. However, once Dal arrived, the wound from losing Muldoone opened up again, tears flowed, and I wasn't sure I made a good choice. I actually contemplated returning Dallas.

As I laid on my couch, sobbing, Dallas gently crept up next to me and licked my tears away! I knew right then that he was a "keeper".

Yesterday, in the wee hours of Friday morning, I woke up because I heard Dallas wimpering for me. I had been sleeping on the floor next to him all night, so I gathered him in my arms (he's not a small dog) and kissed and cuddled him, as he seemed to want me to do. I looked deeply into his eyes and knew he couldn't fight any more, or continue to hang on for me. I told him it was OK to go...

Then, those tears that I had been fiercely keeping in all week and didn't want him (or anyone else) to see, opened like floodgates, and I just sobbed, and sobbed, and sobbed. Once again, even though this time, he was in his last hours of life and his last hours with me, he licked away my tears -- and, I let him...

27 comments:

  1. Oh Janet I really do feel for you. I had tears in my eyes as I read your post, especially the last paragraph. I have had several dogs and it is never a good moment when their time is up! Memories are the good things though! Hang on to all the memories. Val

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  2. Sorry for your lost, I'm sure Dallas looks down from heaven, and hopes you can move on with all the great memories. He is such a great dog!

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  3. Janet, as I read, I share your feelings...

    ~ bangchik

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  4. I am so sorry your buddy is gone, and I know what you are going through. It is never easy on us, but I think they know when it is time to move on before we do. Today, I just got back from a few days in Accomac, dropping two of my dogs off for my parents to tend to while we are on vacation. One our dogs is 14 and it has not been an easy summer on her, with her senses are dimming. I couldn't help feeling that when I left her this morning, it could be for the last time. I hope not, and asked her to hang on till we got back.

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  5. Sorry about this news... take care and have a blessed weekend!

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  6. Oh dang it. I am sorry for your loss. No matter how ready the other is, the one left behind hurts for some time. He is happy again and without pain. Know that. Sounds like you both needed each other.

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  7. What a special, lucky dog Dallas was have such a wonderful life with you. Last year I lost within a few months of each other two of the dearest dogs of my life, both 15 years of age. Samantha was just like Dallas -- one of those truly great dogs that always, always understood what I was feeling and needing. And Gracie was the true essence of devotion -- if she wasn't by my side, she wasn't happy. There is a place in my heart that will never stop missing and aching for them, and I truly understand how hard it is to lose a precious friend like Dallas. Without a doubt, Dallas had the happiest of lives with you, and I know he wanted to care of you to the end. Hugs.

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  8. Janet, I just read your post. We are traveling in Alaska and i don't read blogs every day.I am very sorry. It's hard. I want to believe that our friends are in better place, strong and healthy again, waiting for us. Your post reminded me about Julik's last days and weeks. The box with his ashes stands at my feet, in my office. it feels like he never left us. Dallas was a special dog and you both were fortunate to have each other in your lives.

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  9. Oh Janet... I'm so very sorry. Our pets become such a special part of our lives - if only they could live longer. I know your little baby will be with you always - looking over you and waiting for you on rainbow bridge until you meet again. My prayers and thoughts are with during this time. Many hugs to you. -Jackie

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  10. I really know how you feel, I lost my 13 year old last year and miss her all the time. Now I have a new baby who has bought a smile to my face again, but I will never forget my Lucy! So sad, Emma

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  11. I'm in tears reading your post too. What a bittersweet moment, saying good-bye to your best friend. I hope the good memories outweigh the pain, and I'm sure he's watching you with concern now, making sure you're okay.

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  12. My thoughts are with you.
    Gillian

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  13. Dear Janet, your post is so touching it's made me tear up for your loss. Dallas sounds like a wonderful companion and losing him is heartbreaking. I send my sincere condolences to you.

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  14. Thanks so much to everyone for all the condolences and kind words sent my way! Janet

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  15. You and Dallas were companions - together. You for him and he for you. You both grew as a result of your years together! You both learned to love and serve, give and heal - together. He is blessed to have had you as Mommy - and you to have him all these years. You had precious, tender, unforgettable moments together: cherish them, cherish him. He will surely always been watching over you. How entirely sensitive and lovely Dave has been through this process - he must be a fine man.

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  16. Janet, I am very touched by your post today. I hope you can get over some of the pain by writing and talking about it. You were very strong to have held off your tears for so long to be with Dallas till he breathed his last. Also very brave to face the pain of losing a loved one. But I guess in doing so, because you were there for him until the very end, you can 'close this chapter' and move on with life. Dallas will always live on in your heart. I am not so brave. I had a pet stray dog when I was a kid. I used to feed her, play with her and help her take care of her puppies whenever she gaved birth after mating with other dogs. When she was killed by a dog-shooter I was devastated. I didn't have the courage to see her dead body covered in blood and since then, I have never owned another dog. I am just too scared of getting too emotionally attached to them. That is why I think that you are very brave and I wish you the very best. I hope you can now let go and move on and be happy again.

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  17. Hi Islandgardener! How are you doing there? Thanks for your nice comment on my birthday boys post. They adjusted pretty well to a life with only one dog. But yesterday, when we watched some old family videos with Julik, everyone got sad. Julik was a part of their lives for 10 years! Our young dog changed since the old dog left us. He wants to stay with us all the time. He had a fellow dog and then us, but now, he has only us. I hope you are feeling better. Post what's going on in your garden, please!

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  18. Janet, I forgot to ask - how is Lola doing with her kittens?

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  19. Now, I need someone to dry my tears. Of course my heart goes out to you in your sorrow. Know how deeply we sympathize because many of us have been there.
    Donna

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  20. Sorry about Dallas. There is nothing anyone can say to you when you lose a pet like that. YOu just have to enjoy the memories and when you are ready, it sounds to me like there might be another dog out there that deserves and needs a home with you~ a person who will cherish them.

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  21. It's one of the worst feelings possible. I am so sorry but at least you were able to take part in a big, big love.

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  22. Rough summer, huh. I have a feeling there's a dog somewhere just looking for tears to lick off a face. Look for the dog that seems to "drift" into your life.

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  23. Janet, very belated but nonetheless heartfelt condolences. You obviously loved and were loved.

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  25. It's terrible losing a dog. You see them in the corner for years afterwards. But it was his time xxx

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  26. You have said it all for those who have loved and lost a beloved pet.
    With sympathy for the loss of dear Dallas,
    Donna

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  27. I hear a faint voice saying "hello, Bangchik.." on April 28, 2010 5:36 AM local time here. I am trying to figure out what it really means.....

    ~bangchik

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